Home Improvement Project, #1

Well, they say in troubled times to keep busy and hope for the best. I've certainly been keeping busy. I have had this desk, might be a children's desk, that I found on the side of the road about 3 years ago and have never done anything with it. I mean, I use it. It holds all my jewelry on top and assorted bills, mementos, and oddball things inside. But i finally decided to put some effort in to have it look like it belonged with me, rather than a 10 year old girl.This project taught me how to spackle up holes, how to brute force enlarge holes for screws, and the patience required to paint all the ornate little crevasses.

here it is before:

note, the gummy star knobs:

post operation knobs:

And the final product, also in use:

It was a good lesson in home improvement. While at times frustrating the minute I was done I started looking around for what I can paint next.

Next Up: Floating vases

"The Long Day is Over"

My mother passed away on July 19th. It was a long, grueling 8 months and I'm glad she's finally at peace. But every tiny little part of me is dying for my mother to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright.

Let's be Friends... or not

I have an awful habit of attracting really shitty people. I take blame for the entire business because obviously I am really bad at reading people and let these ridiculous people into my life.

How are you supposed to choose good friends? You can't help who your family is, but you're supposed to be able to create a nice solid group of friends.

Some of my friends started out great - wonderful people who had a fantastic and positive influence on my life - who later decided to stop being friends cold turkey, no knock-down drag-out fights needed. No reasons, no explanations - the worst beak up imaginable.

Others sit there and fester, like an emotionally abusive boyfriend, and they reel you back in time after time until you don't even think about it anymore. They're your friend just because they are, and you don't question it.

My mom's dying. It's a pretty straightforward fact. It's been going on since she was diagnosed with stage IVb cancer in December, right before Christmas, her favorite holiday. We've spent a fair amount of time in the hospital over the last few months, and I've spent almost every weekend with her in NH. I understand this isn't ideal for a social life, but it has really allowed me to see how few real friends I have. This brings out every flaky person's flakiness. Every selfish person's selfishness. Every shallow person's shallowness. Death is hard. You can only help someone get through it if you really care about them, and if you are really good friends. I'd love to say this brought out some close friendships and that I really know who is going to be there for me. And, thankfully, one or two people have. But unfortunately, most have not. Almost all, in fact.

I hate that during this time all I can think about is the people I used to be friends with. How much I miss them. How much I wish I could call them and cry my heart out as it's breaking. I know you need to be happy with what you have, look at the positives, and let the negative things go.... but it's hard. And it's not advice I want or need to hear.

 

I also wish my mom wasn't going to die. I'm 26. I have no siblings, I have no father, I don't have a family that can help me get through this. How does anyone get through this?

Romantical

I am done with internet dating.

But, I have been done meeting guys in bars even longer. Which leaves....

... oh, shit.

Does this mean my only other options are "shared interests"? I don't want to meet a guy at book club (if it goes wrong who gets to keep the club?), or while I'm buying clothes (gay?), or while I'm sitting on the grass in the park enjoying the sun (homeless?), or at work (sexual harassment in the workplace?), or on the bus (psycho?). Where exactly does this leave me? How do people "meet" each other? All my coupled friends only know couples and all my single friends only know girls and gays.

It's absolutely exhausting. I also hate dating - those first awkward dates followed by those first few awkward sexual encounters until finally, at long last, you are comfortable enough to sleep in, until you fit together, until you agree to do things you have no desire to do (family get togethers, football games) because you care about each other and that's just what people do. Can I fast forward to that? Can he please be a little geeky and awkward, genuine and clean, employed and emotionally available?