get thee to the gym!

I met a boy and he might be pretty great xo

As we're getting deep into fall and almost winter I've been reevaluating my closet needs and have come to realize... none of them are being met!

Occasionally I know I buy new things... but where these things are going and why I'm not wearing them is a bit confusing. I've admitted in previous posts that I've gained a bit of weight this year (due most likely to the stress of my mother's illness, change in medications, and just the more stagnant life I've been leading) and it's definitely had an impact on my clothing style. I keep thinking I'll wait until I've lost some of the weight but for now few of my clothes fit well and I find myself reaching for the same things over and over again. Additionally - it's HARD to find clothes that actually look good on you when you don't feel you look your best (not to mention most stores don't really carry larger sizes).

sigh

I know it's just a bunch of complaining and I really need to get my ass to the gym. I need a gym buddy - southie friends? where you at? let's go to the gym on west broadway together and bitch about how much we hate working out while we're jogging on the treadmills.

On the plus side - since this budding relationship has started 3 weeks ago I've lost 7 pounds, and have also joined a beat the bulge holiday weight loss competition at work. It's time to get motivated!

In the mean time - what are your favorite winter essentials? I need to invest in a few items at my larger size and I'm trying to think of things that will continue to work, even as I lose the weight. Basically, I think I need a personal shopper. And to do a giant trip to good will.

I recently invested in these boots, but am not sure I can really pull off this "over the knee" look because it feels like my entire leg has become a boot:


I've always been great with accessories... but now is the time for actual warm clothing. I am trying to find things that work with my "trouble" parts ie... dislike my upper arms, stomach, and thighs. I think I might be the only person in the world that truly is not flattered by a wrap dress.

Picture Walls

I am obsessed with picture walls. Everything about them is so stinking cute and they automatically dress up an otherwise un-put-together room. I made one attempt, that is currently over my dining room table. It's a collage of pictures that I love from my travels. The problem? They are all crooked! Every time someone opens or shuts the front door things move around and I have given up on having them securely nailed up. What am I doing wrong? Please educate me professional picture hangers of the world!Additionally, there are two other things that bug me about this - 1. the awful yellow color of my walls and 2. the phone jack in the wall - who even has a house phone anymore?! My landlord will never take it away.

I'm finally at a place in my life where I don't just want cheap rent and a place to put my bed and laptop - I want a home that I really enjoy and that reflects who I am.

I have this second wall of pictures that is not very dense but I enjoy the completely mis-matched nature of the pictures. I have some other pictures and I am thinking of adding them to this wall (you can't tell, put it's recessed from the rest of the room a little) and having that be a picture wall.

I need some major interior design help, that's for sure. What do you think?

xoxo

Things making me happy today are...

... my cheery red flats (on sale at H&M for $9.99) I had been wanting red shoes foreeeever and was very excited to find these. I had some weird shiny red ones I bought right around when my mother passed away but I think those were "just because" shoes and they have definitely not found their way into my shoe rotation (and I think they might be a size too big).

Also making me smile today, my mustard hair bow from Anthropologie that makes me think of summer and (for some reason) old time carnivals:
Not as well pictured here are some awesome new earrings I picked up last night at the Style Fixx Boston Girls Night Out event on Tremont. I wasn't very excited about the variety there in general but I was happy about my $15 GroupOn ticket getting me into the event, as well as 4 Stella Artois +1 glass champagne.

This weekend we are having a huge yard sale at my aunt's house to raise money for my mom's headstone. When someone dies money should be the last thing to consider, which is why I had no idea how incredibly expensive it is to die. If I've learned anything it is that life insurance (or, a giant piggy bank with about $20,000) is completely necessary. Invest my dears because it makes a difference. On the other hand, if I didn't have to worry about money so much over the last few months I would have been even sadder left to just think about my mom being gone.

Other things that made me happy today
+ man running down the street in a suit with a big sloppy grin on his face
+ guy in CVS filling a shopping cart with every available magazine off the rack (good thing I got mine first!)
+ the big dipper constellation in the freckles on my arm
+ wonderful weather and a reprieve from the rain that plagued us earlier this week
+ boots in the mail, en route to my apartment!

I am very anxious to leave work because one of my favorite treats will be next! Even when my mother was very ill at my aunt's house my favorite part of any week was Friday afternoon on the commuter rail to NH. I would treat myself to a coffee and a new magazine and loved settling in for the hourish ride. Something about the commuter rail is so much better than regular public transportation. Maybe it's because everyone gets a seat, or the wifi, or the guys that wear those cute boxy little hats that punch my ticket.

xoxo

Home Improvement Project, #1

Well, they say in troubled times to keep busy and hope for the best. I've certainly been keeping busy. I have had this desk, might be a children's desk, that I found on the side of the road about 3 years ago and have never done anything with it. I mean, I use it. It holds all my jewelry on top and assorted bills, mementos, and oddball things inside. But i finally decided to put some effort in to have it look like it belonged with me, rather than a 10 year old girl.This project taught me how to spackle up holes, how to brute force enlarge holes for screws, and the patience required to paint all the ornate little crevasses.

here it is before:

note, the gummy star knobs:

post operation knobs:

And the final product, also in use:

It was a good lesson in home improvement. While at times frustrating the minute I was done I started looking around for what I can paint next.

Next Up: Floating vases

"The Long Day is Over"

My mother passed away on July 19th. It was a long, grueling 8 months and I'm glad she's finally at peace. But every tiny little part of me is dying for my mother to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright.

Let's be Friends... or not

I have an awful habit of attracting really shitty people. I take blame for the entire business because obviously I am really bad at reading people and let these ridiculous people into my life.

How are you supposed to choose good friends? You can't help who your family is, but you're supposed to be able to create a nice solid group of friends.

Some of my friends started out great - wonderful people who had a fantastic and positive influence on my life - who later decided to stop being friends cold turkey, no knock-down drag-out fights needed. No reasons, no explanations - the worst beak up imaginable.

Others sit there and fester, like an emotionally abusive boyfriend, and they reel you back in time after time until you don't even think about it anymore. They're your friend just because they are, and you don't question it.

My mom's dying. It's a pretty straightforward fact. It's been going on since she was diagnosed with stage IVb cancer in December, right before Christmas, her favorite holiday. We've spent a fair amount of time in the hospital over the last few months, and I've spent almost every weekend with her in NH. I understand this isn't ideal for a social life, but it has really allowed me to see how few real friends I have. This brings out every flaky person's flakiness. Every selfish person's selfishness. Every shallow person's shallowness. Death is hard. You can only help someone get through it if you really care about them, and if you are really good friends. I'd love to say this brought out some close friendships and that I really know who is going to be there for me. And, thankfully, one or two people have. But unfortunately, most have not. Almost all, in fact.

I hate that during this time all I can think about is the people I used to be friends with. How much I miss them. How much I wish I could call them and cry my heart out as it's breaking. I know you need to be happy with what you have, look at the positives, and let the negative things go.... but it's hard. And it's not advice I want or need to hear.

 

I also wish my mom wasn't going to die. I'm 26. I have no siblings, I have no father, I don't have a family that can help me get through this. How does anyone get through this?

Romantical

I am done with internet dating.

But, I have been done meeting guys in bars even longer. Which leaves....

... oh, shit.

Does this mean my only other options are "shared interests"? I don't want to meet a guy at book club (if it goes wrong who gets to keep the club?), or while I'm buying clothes (gay?), or while I'm sitting on the grass in the park enjoying the sun (homeless?), or at work (sexual harassment in the workplace?), or on the bus (psycho?). Where exactly does this leave me? How do people "meet" each other? All my coupled friends only know couples and all my single friends only know girls and gays.

It's absolutely exhausting. I also hate dating - those first awkward dates followed by those first few awkward sexual encounters until finally, at long last, you are comfortable enough to sleep in, until you fit together, until you agree to do things you have no desire to do (family get togethers, football games) because you care about each other and that's just what people do. Can I fast forward to that? Can he please be a little geeky and awkward, genuine and clean, employed and emotionally available?

Some days are just worse than others and you need to remind yourself of the (very) little things that can make you happy.

Today there is no clean water, no coffee, the woman I work with yelled at me, there's no air conditioning and it's so humid I feel like I'm drowning.

But, I'm pretty into the way the wind blows the ruffle on my shirt when I'm outside

Nothing but sunshine

Taken in Tanzania, Massai Warrior Village, Spring 2004

I wish I was chilling in the sun on my front stoop. This kid seems pretty into it at least. Today I feel like screaming and ripping all my hair out. I wanted to cook dinner and relax but there's not much to cook so I think that means eating leftovers while I run around and clean the apartment.

I think the most fun I've ever had was college, having nothing to do at 1 pm and just sitting on grass somewhere pretending to look nonchalant while I read a book that was appropriately deep.

I've been trying to decide what to do with my income tax refund. Given my penchant for buying myself presents you'd think the answer would be clear. There's the tiny little problem of my massive debt so maybe I'll try to spread it around a little.

I'm going to be collecting images of what I'd like to buy and posting them here. Maybe I'll put them all in a hat and see what I get. Grab bag of wonder

Moms

(taken by me in Vietnam, Spring 2004)

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the idea of not having the safety net of a mother. The world is a tough tough place and when you can't rest your head on your mothers shoulder what do you do?

They key to a great nail polish job is

1. a steady hand

2. patience

you could say the same for a lot of things I suppose. I wonder if that's why I always mess up at least one finger....

What would YOU rather wear?

This is a really cute dress from delias.com. They tend to cater to teenage girls but some of their clothes can be worn into your 20s, such as this dress here. Delias dresses only go to a juniors size 13/14 though so you can imagine most adults are not going to be fitting into this. However, look at the shape. It has a V-neck, notoriously flattering on larger frames as it accentuates and elongates the neck. A higher waist line - also flattering on larger frames as it tends to land on the smallest part of your body. Sleeves, to cover chubby arms (I am obsessive about keeping my upper arms covered). This dress is perfect for a larger gal.




Here is a dress from Lane Bryant - a store geared towards larger, "plus" size women. It is shapeless, the sleeves are an awkward length, it's loose and has a bold sweeping pattern that really just looks like the ocean. Like you're as big as an ocean. Why would you want to wear this? It has a drop waist tie that really only incredibly skinny people can wear (see the models in the delias catalogue) and yet on this woman, who is not really what I'd call "plus size" they are trying to market this mumu to overweight women. This dress is really not flattering for most body shapes so it ends up in a plus size category that is predominantly made of shapeless clothes in tired patterns.




This dress is from torrid.com, a website that focuses on trendy plus size clothes for teenage girls. I'm sorry, but this dress is completely unflattering to any plus size girl. If you were skinny and merely plus sized in your chest, perhaps this would work, but for anyone who is truly "plus sized" you would NEVER wear this! First, I will admit the V-neck and wider shoulder straps are flattering. If you have any issues with your upper arms however, you are now stuck wearing a shrug, cardigan, or something else that will clearly show you are layering because you feel uncomfortable and will inevitably down the "wow" factor a dress like this is supposed to be achieving. The fact that it is tight from the bust down to the knees... well, awful. If this girl wasn't half keeled over trying to slant the eye up towards her hip and was standing straight on - she would look round and the angles would be sharply going down and in at her knees.

This is what it is like to look for a dress as a larger woman. There is no easy answer. There is no quick trip to the mall. You have to hunt and peck and search and hope that somehow one of the five websites that carry clothing in your size has a dress that appeals to you. It is exhausting. When you find a dress you like, you wear it until it falls apart because it could be ages before another comes along.

"She was weary of being outdoors, but she was not ready to go in. Was that really all there was in life, indoors or out? Wasn't there somewhere else for people to go?"

Nathan lent me this book for distraction. The language of the narrative, particularly of Briony, is so compelling. I can hear myself in her. She stares at her finger and tells it to move and wonders at her ability to control her extremities (no doubt forshadowing for later, controlling the elements of Lola's sexual assault). I remember feeling the exact same way and wondering at my eyelids blinking and how autonomous it was until I became hyper-aware of the blinking or the way my tongue moved in my mouth when I spoke.

Sometimes I'll lay in bed and look down at my feet and think it's so interesting how long my body is and how much space it takes up. Though not as much as Yao Defen, the tallest living woman, who comes in at 7 feet 8 inches.

After indoors and outdoors, I head to a mall... maybe that's the inexplicable something missing from her afternoon.

Can't Buy Me Love

Buying things makes me feel happy when I am particularly sad. This can include any new thing really - post-its, ben and jerry's, a sparkly ring, a gel ink pen, hair products. The point is I am sad, and then through an exchange of my soul and debit card I become profoundly un-sad. Occasionally even giddy. Light, airy, optimistic, and ready to take on whatever oppressiveness life has to offer (usually bills)

This can be dangerous, particularly if it seems I'm going to be sad for a long time. My mother has become very, very sick and I think I am going to be sad for a very, very long time.

She became sick in December and I have managed to hold off for a few months and have not bought myself a single thing.... until now.

Last week I broke the ice and purchased this gorgeous, twinkly, luxurious bracelet from anthropologie.