oops - it's alive!

hmmm... maybe I'll make this into a craft blog?
The internet does not have enough of those...
stay tuned! Maybe it will be my misadventures in crafting.  I just remembered you existed, sorry
xo
Nicole

A poem, from me to you, with love

In morning's quiet solitude,
cold tile 'neath my feet,
I sit myself upon the toilet seat.
When suddenly, I hear a chirp
of a most unsettling beat.
It seems to be of a lurking nature
behind the bathroom door.
I rise and investigate the chirp
so rudely interrupting this morning chore.
But, alas, there is no source
behind my bathroom door.
I turn, and there,
in all it's grey-brown glory,
I spy a cricket placed
beneath the toilet seat.
"You cruel invasive thing
to attempt such a feat!"
I lunge, I flush you down
where you will never chirp,
for you have drowned.

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies....

When I was 8 years old, my mother stared deeply into my eyes and told me she had written a song for me, to show how much she loved me on Valentine’s Day. I sat in the chair opposite her, folding my hands in my lap, I was ready. My mother had written a song about me! As she poured her heart out to me, a tear trickled down my cheek. She really loved me. Now I knew I was special.

Later on that same afternoon, Valentine’s Day, 1992, I was watching TV. When you’re 8 the day of love doesn’t hold much for you. Saved by the Bell was on, and I could sit 2 feet in front of that screen and dream about Zach Morris forever. Usually I used commercial breaks to rest my eyes from darting across the screen taking in every pixel of Zach’s face. That day, as I closed my eyes briefly, I started to hear something that sounded achingly familiar. “I love you... I honestly looooove you...” My eyes opened and there was Olivia Newton-John... singing my mother’s song! She didn’t even sing it the same way, Olivia’s voice slided along in a melodious way my mother’s most certainly had not. That bitch. I ran racing back to my mother in the kitchen, not sure whose side I was on. I had been unable to decide exactly who was to blame - had Olivia stolen my mother’s original work and passed it off as her own? Or had my mother, known for countless instances of lies she referred to as “jokes” throughout my childhood fooled me yet again?

As entered the kitchen, I decided to see if she cracked under the pressure. “So, I was just watching Saved by the Bell.”
“How is it?”
“Good, Zach just asked Kelly to the dance.”
“Think she’ll say yes?”
“Mm... probably, I’m pretty sure she likes him too. Slater might ask her before she gets a chance to say yes to Zach though.”
“That might be tricky.”
“Yeah.”
She wasn’t cracking yet, I’d have to really apply the pressure.
“So there was this commercial for Classic 70's love songs.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok.”
“Yeah.” This woman was unbelievable.

“So, did you know Olivia Newton-John sings a song called ‘I Honestly Love You’? Or is that just some sort of coincidence?” Coincidence! Coincidence!! At the obscenely inappropriate sound of my mother’s laughter, I knew. I knew that she was the bitch, not poor Ms. Newton-John. What I was most upset about was if my mother didn’t honestly love me, how was I to know she loved me at all.

Later that night I ran away. Again. Whenever my mother and I clashed I would solve my problems by running away. This constituted storming into the livingroom, yelling “I’m running away and I’m never coming back!” and slamming the door behind me. I’d usually find myself sitting out in the hallway of our apartment building barefoot in my pajamas. I’d wait for my mother to come bursting through the door in search of me. Inevitably I’d fall asleep if I was dedicated or storm back into the apartment minutes later to accuse disbelievingly, “You didn’t even come looking for me!” and slam the door to my bedroom where I fell asleep within minutes and promptly forgot all about it.

You might say I was a dramatic child. Thankfully I’ve outgrown that nonsense, as I’m sure you’ve noticed…

Writing Prompt

Trying something new. My new writing class started up last week and in an effort to deal with things I'm going to try writing about my mother some more. Or, more likely, just writing in general.

The following is a prompt where my teacher started with "I am..." and then said another phrase or let us fill in the blank.

Here you go...

I am an only daughter
I am a future wife
I am a reluctant parent
I am an anxious eater
I am a tardy friend
I am an emotionally needy girlfriend
I am defenive and humiliated when confronted with criticism
I am reluctant and suspicious when confronted with warmth and love
I am talented when it comes to filling my time and not being bored
I am a hippie but none of my friends know (except I think most of them have an idea)

that wasn't as fun here as in class. Maybe I'll try again in a few weeks and I'll write something scholarly and interesting. We'll see.

For your visual consideration, an image from the Chihuly exhibit I went to this past weekend. Enjoy
Nicole

jk, blogger is being dumb and won't let me add a picture. maybe next time!

get thee to the gym!

I met a boy and he might be pretty great xo

As we're getting deep into fall and almost winter I've been reevaluating my closet needs and have come to realize... none of them are being met!

Occasionally I know I buy new things... but where these things are going and why I'm not wearing them is a bit confusing. I've admitted in previous posts that I've gained a bit of weight this year (due most likely to the stress of my mother's illness, change in medications, and just the more stagnant life I've been leading) and it's definitely had an impact on my clothing style. I keep thinking I'll wait until I've lost some of the weight but for now few of my clothes fit well and I find myself reaching for the same things over and over again. Additionally - it's HARD to find clothes that actually look good on you when you don't feel you look your best (not to mention most stores don't really carry larger sizes).

sigh

I know it's just a bunch of complaining and I really need to get my ass to the gym. I need a gym buddy - southie friends? where you at? let's go to the gym on west broadway together and bitch about how much we hate working out while we're jogging on the treadmills.

On the plus side - since this budding relationship has started 3 weeks ago I've lost 7 pounds, and have also joined a beat the bulge holiday weight loss competition at work. It's time to get motivated!

In the mean time - what are your favorite winter essentials? I need to invest in a few items at my larger size and I'm trying to think of things that will continue to work, even as I lose the weight. Basically, I think I need a personal shopper. And to do a giant trip to good will.

I recently invested in these boots, but am not sure I can really pull off this "over the knee" look because it feels like my entire leg has become a boot:


I've always been great with accessories... but now is the time for actual warm clothing. I am trying to find things that work with my "trouble" parts ie... dislike my upper arms, stomach, and thighs. I think I might be the only person in the world that truly is not flattered by a wrap dress.

Picture Walls

I am obsessed with picture walls. Everything about them is so stinking cute and they automatically dress up an otherwise un-put-together room. I made one attempt, that is currently over my dining room table. It's a collage of pictures that I love from my travels. The problem? They are all crooked! Every time someone opens or shuts the front door things move around and I have given up on having them securely nailed up. What am I doing wrong? Please educate me professional picture hangers of the world!Additionally, there are two other things that bug me about this - 1. the awful yellow color of my walls and 2. the phone jack in the wall - who even has a house phone anymore?! My landlord will never take it away.

I'm finally at a place in my life where I don't just want cheap rent and a place to put my bed and laptop - I want a home that I really enjoy and that reflects who I am.

I have this second wall of pictures that is not very dense but I enjoy the completely mis-matched nature of the pictures. I have some other pictures and I am thinking of adding them to this wall (you can't tell, put it's recessed from the rest of the room a little) and having that be a picture wall.

I need some major interior design help, that's for sure. What do you think?

xoxo

Things making me happy today are...

... my cheery red flats (on sale at H&M for $9.99) I had been wanting red shoes foreeeever and was very excited to find these. I had some weird shiny red ones I bought right around when my mother passed away but I think those were "just because" shoes and they have definitely not found their way into my shoe rotation (and I think they might be a size too big).

Also making me smile today, my mustard hair bow from Anthropologie that makes me think of summer and (for some reason) old time carnivals:
Not as well pictured here are some awesome new earrings I picked up last night at the Style Fixx Boston Girls Night Out event on Tremont. I wasn't very excited about the variety there in general but I was happy about my $15 GroupOn ticket getting me into the event, as well as 4 Stella Artois +1 glass champagne.

This weekend we are having a huge yard sale at my aunt's house to raise money for my mom's headstone. When someone dies money should be the last thing to consider, which is why I had no idea how incredibly expensive it is to die. If I've learned anything it is that life insurance (or, a giant piggy bank with about $20,000) is completely necessary. Invest my dears because it makes a difference. On the other hand, if I didn't have to worry about money so much over the last few months I would have been even sadder left to just think about my mom being gone.

Other things that made me happy today
+ man running down the street in a suit with a big sloppy grin on his face
+ guy in CVS filling a shopping cart with every available magazine off the rack (good thing I got mine first!)
+ the big dipper constellation in the freckles on my arm
+ wonderful weather and a reprieve from the rain that plagued us earlier this week
+ boots in the mail, en route to my apartment!

I am very anxious to leave work because one of my favorite treats will be next! Even when my mother was very ill at my aunt's house my favorite part of any week was Friday afternoon on the commuter rail to NH. I would treat myself to a coffee and a new magazine and loved settling in for the hourish ride. Something about the commuter rail is so much better than regular public transportation. Maybe it's because everyone gets a seat, or the wifi, or the guys that wear those cute boxy little hats that punch my ticket.

xoxo